Chasing Shadows
by Larpskendya
Summary: I suck at summaries-This is Cloud musing on whether to follow his heart or his mind. Whatever. Just read it-you won't regret it.


Chasing Shadows  
By  
Cyberfox  
  
Authors note: I'm so happy! My exams are over and I actually got good marks! Grade 10, here I come! Thank you to everyone who reveiwed. I got so many reviews from Cloud-Bahamut that I just wanted to die of happiness. Thanks also to Highwaywoman0. I'm a review freak. I finally realize why so many authors want people to R/R so please do. Anyway, whilst I'm still on my little pink cloud of happiness I'll write some more. Maybe I'll try and write something happy for a change! ^_^. Final Fantasy VII belongs to Squaresoft but the story is mine. P.S. This one'll have spoilers so if you haven't finished the game and you don't want to know how it ends, blah, blah, blah, I would suggest you don't read it.  
  
"Cloud, are you okay?" asked Tifa, the night before we went to bomb a reactor. The night before I fell into Aeris's church. The night before my whole life changed. I told her that I was just a little tired but I don't know. I just don't know.  
  
Back then I was still masquerading as Zack and my thoughts were not really my own. I felt uncomfortable. My heart told me that I had been in SOLDIER, That I was in love with Aeris. My mind was silent but at night I used to dream. I dreamed that I was in a white room and I was standing in the center. I would see shadows flitting out of the corner of my eyes but when I turned to see what it was, I could see nothing for my own shadow would block the others. That's how I felt in the daytime. Something would be niggling at my mind but as soon as I turned my thoughts towards it, it would become obscure.  
  
Now my mind is my own. And I'm afraid. I've lost five years of my life. I'm Cloud, but who is Cloud? Cloud was the loser, the geek, the dork. The boy who got into fights and lost. The boy who nobody wanted to be friends with. I don't want to be Cloud. Zack was never afraid and perhaps that is why I can never be him. I wish that I could remain cool and aloof but that is not Cloud. My heart still tells me that I was in SOLDIER. That I'm still in love with Aeris. My mind tells me differently. My mind tells me that I was never in SOLDIER. That I love Tifa. But love is related to the heart and my heart has been wrong before. Can I trust it again? Am I willing to be let down once more? I know the answer to that. Yes. I'm willing to be hurt again. I'll take that risk. But Tifa. Am I willing to break her heart? Shatter her own innocent illusions? Show her who Cloud really is when I don't even know myself?  
  
Tifa, you saved me more than once. You gave me a job when you found me wondering about, dazed and confused. You reassured me constantly when Sephiroth tried to break me. Even when he succeeded, you tried to save me. You didn't leave my side when I washed up in the Lifestream and then, you made me whole again when you entered my mind. The truth was a bitter cure but I was healed and now Sephiroth cannot hurt me again. Your confidence and optimism was my fuel. I couldn't have done it without you.  
  
No, you are perfect. But what about me? Can I be trusted with your heart? I've broken more promises than I've kept. I promised Aeris that I would be her bodyguard. Where is she now? She's lying at the bottom of a lake after being brutally slain by a monster. I couldn't protect her. And what about you? I promised you that I would save you when you were in a bind. That I would be your knight in shining armor. When I picked you up after you had been wounded you told me that you knew that I'd save you. What did I do? I laid you aside and went after Sephiroth. Zangan saved you. I have betrayed both my angels. I settled the score though. Aeris, your father, my mother.everybody who died at the One Winged Angel's hands - their lives have been avenged. Is that enough to make up for what I have done? Or is that what forgiveness is for? Do you forgive me Tifa? Does Aeris?  
  
And yet.if I leave you now I will be breaking my promise yet again. That night when I told everybody to go home and think about what they were fighting for, I didn't even know what I was fighting for. You and I spent the night, cuddled up close, our hearts beating in time together, wanting to say certain things so much but hesitant to break the silence. Then and again, sometimes words aren't needed. I knew then what my cause was. I was fighting for you. I didn't ever want to see you hurt again. What were you fighting for, Tifa? I wish I knew. I know you so well by now that sometimes I think that I can read your mind. Although I wish that I could read your heart.  
  
Before we entered the Northern Crater you told me to tell you that everything would be alright. I hesitated. I had no reason to think that we would win. But your burgundy eyes pleaded and I waved my hands dismissively and said: "Everything will be alright, Tifa." I wanted to say it gently, as if I meant it, but I didn't. I couldn't. Yet, you clapped your hands and believed that I would be right. Somehow, you gave me hope.  
  
When we faced Sephiroth in the Northern Crater you showed the utmost confidence in me. Then, the impossible. We won. My fury over Aeris's death and my desire to protect you prevailed and Sephiroth's shadow will never defile the earth again.  
  
I was still feeling triumphant when his soul called for mine and I was unable to resist. I saw him there, standing in the shadows and words could not express how I felt. Instead, I let my sword do the talking. I had reached my limit. Omnislash. I defeated him for the last time and I saw the disbelief on his face as he was sucked into the void.  
  
Just when I thought that I would finally be able to live my life in peace, she reached out for me. I don't know if I was hallucinating but I reached up for her hand as the Lifestream surrounded me. Aeris. I felt an overwhelming need to see her then but as our fingers were about to touch her soft, gentle, unadorned hand was replaced with yours, encased in deadly gloves.  
  
Yet, no matter how disappointed I was, I had no right to hurt you again. As you held on to me and I to the ledge, I could only talk about Aeris. I saw the hurt in your eyes but you didn't say anything. You could only reassure me once more. We looked at the others and changed the subject. If it weren't for you I would have let go of the ledge to meet the flower girl but with you in my arms I couldn't break my promise. I was confused. You or Aeris? Two paths with different consequences.  
  
But now, I have finally made my choice. We stand together on the Highwind, looking at the strands of Lifestream that flows through the sky. I whisper a silent prayer of thanks to Aeris and then I let her go. She can finally be free. My Cetra can finally go to her Promised Land. I slowly take off your gloves and I hold each delicate, pale hand in my own, amazed at the softness of it. Amazed at the fact that after years of misery you can still be so fragile. Amazed at the fact that you could still protect me. I realize that it is time that someone took care of you and I am eager to take up that task. I ask you the question that I've asked you a thousand times in my dreams. In my dreams you never gave me an answer but you do now. Your lips meet mine and you whisper the affirmative. I clutch your hands even tighter, waiting for the day when a ring will grace your slender fingers. We hold each other tightly and I know that I will keep you safe. That you will keep me safe. You have ever since you signed me up with AVALANCHE. No, ever since I made you that promise under the stars so many years ago. I realize that you made a silent promise of your own. I am complete now that we have each other. Tifa, you have chased the shadows away.  
  
See! See! I can be happy! Yaaay! Anyway, just a little POV from Cloud. I find these easier to do than actual stories. BTW I'm still working on Heart, Soul and Science. Anywho, HOLIDAYS! YEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! 


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